A friend asked if I was worried about Zika. I explained that I wasn’t because I don’t plan on becoming pregnant and traveling to Florida any time soon, so my chances of meeting a killer mosquito were pretty low. Besides, I still haven’t gotten over the previous health scares that were going to kill us, from SARS to West Nile Virus to Asian Bird Flu to Swine Flu to the deadliest of them all, Cancer-Causing Shampoo.

Bottom line: I spend pretty much no time at all worried about anything. Except for that weird rash I spotted this morning. I’ll probably be dead by the time you read this.