I mentioned earlier this week that Dave Barry is in Rio, blogging about the Olympics. Today, he touched on Michael Phelps’ ridiculous purple pseudoscience body hickeys (which I wrote about here):

This makes the other swimmers nervous. They see the dots and think, “What the hell is THAT?” (Yes, the other swimmers think in English.) They’re afraid the dots are contagious. Sometimes they refuse to even jump into the pool with Phelps, leaving him to swim the race alone and collect all three medals.

In fact the dots are harmless. They’re caused by “cupping,” a medical technique originated by ancient Chinese doctors, who discovered that if they applied cups containing heated air to a patient’s skin, they created a vacuum that enabled them to extract money from the patient.

“Ha ha!” these doctors would exclaim, when they got together with the other doctors on the ancient Chinese golf course. “These people are actually PAYING us to make them look like victims of a squid attack! Say, do you think they’d be stupid enough to let us to stick needles into them?”

Read Dave Barry’s full piece here.