I don’t know anyone who is Guamanian. In fact, I just learned that’s what people from Guam are called (as opposed to Guamite, which sounds like their version of a salty yeast spread). But I’m surprised that their summer weather is just like ours in St. Louis — hot and very humid. I thought it would be warmer and drier.

On the other hand, unlike Guamanians, no St. Louisan has been waking up every day for the last couple of weeks to see the nut-ball leader of a nation threatening to rain down nuclear hell on us. What must that be like for the average Guamanian? “Honey, please turn off CNN. You’re scaring the crap out of the kids.” Then again, a lot of Americans say the same thing because of what our nut-ball leader says on a daily basis.

Somewhere in Guam, a low-level government worker is digging in the storeroom to find those old “Duck and Cover” videos, in which we were taught that picnic blankets and school desks — presumably made of lead —
would protect us from atomic fallout…