I was driving on Missouri Highway 141 yesterday and noticed that the Department of Transportation electronic signs on the roadside (the ones that usually announce an accident ahead or remind you to buckle your seatbelt) said, “Solar Eclipse Monday — Expect Delays.”
It seemed like overkill to me. That particular stretch of road is unlikely to be jammed with drivers desperate to see the sky go dark for a brief period.
There’s so much hype about this celestial event that it reminds me of the Y2K panic. I know that, unlike that event, this one’s going to happen in the sky regardless of what people do. But when every media outlet talks it up breathlessly and businesses take advantage of it en masse, it makes my skeptical bones creak.
Here’s an example. Several airlines are promoting special “eclipse flights” that will follow the path of totality so passengers can have an extended look at the sky going dark. What they don’t say is that only those in window seats will really get a glimpse. For everyone else — including those like me who always sit in aisle seats to have a little extra room — all they’re going to see is the back of the window seat occupant’s head as they look out the window.
Another example is the sale of “solar eclipse glasses.” My plan for Monday was going to be merely glancing up in the direction of the sun, but shielding my face with one of my hands — the way you would if you had to catch a baseball hit high in the air. My wife, however, nixed that idea and insisted we had to have eclipse sunglasses. I couldn’t find them at any local merchant (they were all sold out) so I ordered some on Amazon, where they were only available in groups of five or more.
Of course, the skies over St. Louis are not expected to be clear tomorrow, so I’ve just spent $35 to protect our eyes from an overcast day. Maybe I’ll wear the eclipse glasses to protect my eyes while watching TV coverage from someplace with a clear view.
Speaking of ocular damage, I’ve seen and heard several media outlets warning you to shield your pets’ eyes from looking directly at the sun tomorrow. I’ll bet that, somewhere, there’s someone selling darkened glasses for your pet. Funny, this has never seemed to be a problem on any other day in history. Have dogs and cats ever suffered eye problems from looking up at the glowing orb in the sky on a sunny day? What about all those horses and cows and goats that live outdoors? When is the telethon to raise money to fight that scourge?
Finally, a note to radio personalities: no, you’re not the only one who thought of playing Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart.” In fact, she’s going to do it in person on a cruise ship somewhere off the coast of Florida. But like the days of my youth, when five-minute songs had to be edited down to under three minutes to get play on Top 40 radio, Tyler is going to perform a shortened version of her only big hit that will last two minutes forty seconds during the period of totality.
Don’t ask me what she’ll do for the rest of the trip. Probably shield her pet iguana’s eyes from the glare of her one-hit-wonder stardom.