I apologize in advance if you’re planning to see Tom Cruise’s eighth “Mission: Impossible” movie, because I’m about to spoil the whole nearly-three-hour thing for you by laying out every important plot point. Here we go:
- Exposition to recap what happened in the last movie, when artificial intelligence wanted to kill us all.
- Amazing stunt work.
- Tom Cruise running.
- Flashback to amazing stunts from the previous movies.
- Character who speaks no English understanding everything everyone else says in English.
- Amazing stunt work.
- The evil artificial intelligence using your credit card number to order six tons of toilet paper on Amazon.
- Flash forward to amazing stunts we’ll see later in this movie.
- Tom Cruise running.
- Hey, it’s that guy from the first movie who had to keep going to the bathroom!
- Hey, it’s Angela Bassett as the President!
- Hey, it’s that woman from “Ted Lasso” as a Vice Admiral!
- The evil artificial intelligence using your Venmo account to order the “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” boxed set.
- Tom Cruise running.
- Hey, it’s that guy from “Severance” as a submarine captain!
- Hey, it’s that guy from “Parks and Recreation” as a general!
- Another character who speaks no English understanding everything everyone else says in English.
- Amazing stunt work.
- Hey, it’s that woman we’ve seen in a hundred other things but can’t remember her name!
- Tom Cruise deep water diving.
- Hayley Atwell proving any really good pickpocket is capable of hacking into the wiring of a massive server farm.
- Tom Cruise taking control of not one but two biplanes he’s hanging off of. Let’s see artificial intelligence do that!
- A tense scene in which the President has to choose whether or not to replicate a decision made by Henry Fonda in “Fail Safe.”
- An almost philosophical speech in voiceover by Ving Rhames, whose lines until now have mostly been telling Tom Cruise to be careful.
- Tom Cruise parachuting back to earth after being told by Esai Morales he has the only parachute, which Morales uses.
- Flashback to that time the evil artificial intelligence ate all of the donuts at the craft services table.
- All major characters who are still alive at the end of the mission showing up at the same place in London to nod and smile at Tom Cruise.
- Those same characters then walking away without a word, a hug, or a handshake.
- Everyone involved in the “Mission: Impossible” movie franchise hoping the word “final” in the title doesn’t mean “last one ever,” because they have mortgages and college to pay for, dammit!
- Following those pleas by his colleagues and crew, Tom Cruise running, probably to have a conversation with Xenu.