Putting the words “Open Immediately” on the envelope does not make me more interested in junk mail. The only thing urgent about your enclosed offer (which I’ll never see) is the speed with which I toss it in the trash.

The annual report from our insurance company came today. Not the one about our policy. This is the one where they tell me how well they’re doing, what they’re up to, and blah blah blah. It went right in the trash, too. I browsed through one of these a few years ago and had a headache by page three. Here’s what it should have said: “We’ve decided to lower your premiums because we have eliminated the cost of printing millions of glossy annual reports that no one reads.”

Why does the audience on “Jeopardy!” applaud when a contestant finds a Daily Double? I know they’re prompted to by the warm-up guy and the applause sign, but there’s nothing impressive about randomly landing on one of those questions. You deserve applause if you make a big bet and get it right, but not just for saying, “Potent Potables for $1200, Alex.”

I was in Target today, but couldn’t find what I was looking for. So I picked up one of their red customer service phones nearby and the person on the other end was able to direct me to exactly the part of the store I needed to go to. That’s a very customer-friendly feature that more stores should have.

I heard a radio host today ranting about the price of Michelle Obama’s shoes. I guess the swine flu story is over and America has moved on to something really important.

Does anyone renew a magazine subscription when the first notice arrives in the mail? I have one on my bulletin board that arrived at the beginning of March, even though the subscription doesn’t expire until October. Not surprisingly, they want me to renew for three years, because it’s their “Best Value!!!” That’s true, unless you multiply their one year offer times three and figure out that it’s the exact same price per issue. By the way, that 128-ounce tub of soda for $15 at the movie theater is your “Best Value!!!” too — because the cup doubles as a urinal.

I just realized this blog entry reads like Larry King’s old USA Today column, without the dot dot dot and such classic lines as “if you’re making chocolate chip cookies, put out a plate for me!”