I will remember that the United States does not stand for democracy. It stands for freedom. In a democracy, rights may be lessened by majority vote. In a free society, rights are sacred.

I will fire anyone who screws up. There will be accountability for the actions of everyone in my administration. When someone’s incompetence is clear and unmistakable, I will not tell them they’re doing a good job or reward them with the Medal of Freedom. Instead, I will order them to clean out their desk and I will then report to the American people exactly what went wrong.

I will instruct every federal employee, including those closest to me in the White House, to comply with all subpoenas and cooperate with all Congressional investigations of malfeasance in my administration. Executive privilege will be invoked only rarely, and then only for the highest levels of national security.

I will trust scientists. Since I am not a scientist and have no training in the field, when the scientific community reaches a peer-reviewed consensus, I will accept it. I will not allow anti-scientific dogma and pseudo-science to be funded or supported in any way by my administration.

I will preach parental responsibility, and remind parents that they are the front lines in raising our children. I will not let special interest groups pressure the government into taking the place of parents in determining what children may watch, listen to, or play with. To the extent that our government has agencies regulating content of any kind in any medium, I will dismantle them.

I will remind Americans that the overwhelming majority of public schools and teachers do an excellent job educating our children, and that anyone who disagrees and thinks they can do better is welcome to quit their job and join the ranks of educators at every level.

I will urge and sign legislation that makes the development of renewable energy and fuel-efficient products the highest priority of the US government. We will accomplish this through the greatest public/private partnership since the space race put us on the moon and, in the end, will ready our nation for its future energy needs by decreasing our reliance on fossil fuels and encouraging technological achievement.

I will hold monthly press conferences where journalists will be encouraged to ask me any questions they like, and follow up when I don’t give them a straight answer.

I will not issue signing statements that clarify how I will enforce legislation passed by Congress. If I don’t like the bill, I won’t sign it, but I won’t create an alternate interpretation that applies only to me.

I will not sign any legislation that was written by lobbyists, but will strengthen laws restricting the movement of government employees and cabinet officers to firms that lobby the government, and vice versa.

I will remember that the Bill Of Rights was written to restrict our government, not our people, and that nowhere in any of our Constitution does it say that the President shall act as the nation’s arbiter of morality. In that vein, I will not sign any legislation restricting personal relationships between consenting adults, as that is not the business of government.

I will remind every member of Congress who opposes universal health insurance that, as a federal employee, they are covered by a generous taxpayer-funded government health insurance plan which none of them has turned down.