I have never had a candle that burned all the way down — or anywhere close — except during Hannukah. I have always reused birthday candles, because they’re only lit for a minute or two before the celebrant blows them out with 90% of the wax unmelted. Even when I was in college and thought I could impress a date with vanilla scented candles I’d bought especially for the occasion at Wix & Stix at the mall, the flames were out long before my teenage desires were doused.

No one says, “I wish they would keep their political opinions to themselves“ about someone they agree with.

I can’t stand it when a person who just died is referred to as having “passed.” That word implies motion from one place to another, but since there’s no next place after death, using it to refer to the deceased is simply wrong. Unless you’re driving and a funeral goes by. Then you can say, “some corpse just passed.”

Here’s a quick lesson in how to sound like a wine connoisseur: come up with two adjectives and separate them by the word yet. It doesn’t matter if they actually describe the wine or have anything in common. The goal is to sound snooty. Examples: “Fruity yet nutty.” “Liberal yet conservative.” “Arctic yet indelible.” “Exhilarating yet troubling.” “Obsequious yet upholstered.” “Idiotic yet ingenious.” OK, that last one is just to describe this concept.

I once had a conversation with an acquaintance who was very, very Catholic. He was offended that I have been a lifelong atheist and asked, “Do you think you’re better than me?” He said it in a really annoying tone that told me we were likely to never talk again. So, I thought, what the hell, and replied, “Well, I haven’t subsidized any pedophiles. How about you?“