Sacre bleu! There’s some major anti-French backlash going around these days, because France won’t support the US efforts to beat up on Saddam Hussein.

It’s gone so far that at least one restaurant has refused to sell French Fries any longer (they now call them “Freedom Fries”). Well, that’s certainly going to teach the French a lesson because, as you know, we get most of our potato crop from….um, wait. Are we angry at Idaho, too?

Why stop with French Fries? Let’s take all French food off the menu. No more French Bread, French Dressing, French Toast, French Cut Green Beans, French Dip Sandwiches, French Vanilla ice cream, or French Onion Soup (I prefer Albanian onion soup, anyway). Throw away that bottle of French’s mustard!

Hey, get your tongue out of her mouth — that’s French Kissing! — and tell her to take off that cute little French Maid outfit. What were you planning, a menage a trois? Not anymore, you sexual Francophile !

HBO can no longer show “The French Connection.” Lifetime can’t broadcast “The French Lieutenant’s Woman.” Showtime has to quit airing “Moulin Rouge.” MTV can’t show the “Lady Marmalade” video anymore, because they ask the timeless French musical question, “Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?”

No more Venus and Serena at the French Open. No more French Doors on “Trading Spaces.” No more French Stewart from “Third Rock From The Sun.” Oh, never mind, that’s taken care of already.

Please delete Three French Hens from that Christmas song. Tell the brass section they’ll have to do without French Horns. Call Julia Child and tell her she’s now the Spanish Chef.

Now we know the real reason Frenchie Davis was kicked off “American Idol.” And why Didi Conn has been cut out of the umpteenth showing of “Grease.”

What will the “Girls Gone Wild” crew do on Mardi Gras (excuse me, Fat Tuesday) in New Orleans, when they can’t film women pulling their tops off because no one’s going to the French Quarter anymore?

Of course, it could be worse. We could have decided to embrace even more things beloved in France — and ended up suffering through a Jerry Lewis movie marathon.