Trump can’t do any campaign rallies while he’s quarantined at Walter Reed, but whenever he feels some mucus forming in his chest, he has a bunch of orderlies go into his room and chant, “Hock it up! Hock it up!”

Several reports have asserted Trump got the coronavirus from Hope Hicks. But, just because she showed symptoms first, that doesn’t mean she was the carrier. It could very well have been Trump himself, considering all the times he’s been around others without a mask or social distancing.

I hear that when Trump got to Walter Reed, they asked if he still remembered the five words from his mental competency test a few weeks ago, and he replied, “Purple, Pimple, Pickle, Pepper, TV.” He never forgets TV.

Merriam-Webster reports a 30,500% spike in searches for “schadenfreude” after Trump’s COVID-19 diagnosis. Alanis Morissette spent most of Friday trying to find something that rhymes with that word for an update of her song, “Ironic.”

Why did the stock market plunge Friday morning? I know Wall Street is supposed to hate uncertainty, but what does Trump’s medical condition have to do with the health of any of the thousands of public companies you can invest in? Why would they suddenly be worth less than they were at the close on Thursday? And if Wall Street was reacting negatively to the news out of the White House, why did the S&P 500 end Friday down less than one percent and the Dow bounce back to finish down less than a half of one percent — even as Trump was being airlifted to Walter Reed? Despite the panicky tone of everyone on CNBC all day, those numbers are not atypical.

At the beginning of this semester, Notre Dame launched a site for students to snitch on each other for COVID-19 violations. What did the students do? They used it to report the university president (who has announced he’s tested positive) for shaking hands and not wearing a mask last week for Trump’s Amy Coney Barrett event at the White House. They’re demanding his resignation for those violations. Also, he’s not allowed to attend the next kegger at the fraternity house of Phi Karma Karma.

After Trump tweeted that he and Melania have COVID-19, he tweeted they would “get through this together.” Then he flew off to Walter Reed without her.

If the Supreme Court overturns Obamacare, will Trump being infected with the coronavirus count as a pre-existing condition that keeps him from getting health insurance coverage for any complications after he’s out of the White House in January?

When doctors told Trump he had a low-grade fever, he replied, “Low grades? I know all about those!”