I lost the office pool.
I thought Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton would only stay married for 2 years, but they made it all the way to 26 months before she filed the divorce papers. You’re as disappointed as I am, I’m sure.
We all knew it would come to this. The clues were so easy, but in case you missed them, I’ll recap. In the world of Show Business, these are the steps you take for a guaranteed failed marriage:
1) Following four previous failures, this was Billy Bob’s fifth round of “till death do us part” vows. When does the Lemon Law kick in?
2) He wrote a song about her. This is known as the “Billy Joel Just The Way You Are” rule, although we don’t have any reports of Billy Bob dating Christie Brinkley yet.
3) They each carried the other’s blood in a vial worn on a necklace. While handy for cross-typing in an emergency triage situation, this is generally viewed as much more weird than romantic.
4) They went the double-tattoo route. Her name was carved into his skin, and vice versa.
What happens to those tattoos now? Time to call Charlie Sheen, whose new wife Denise Richards demanded he have all of his markings undone by laser — a job akin to resurfacing I-70.
Or perhaps call Pamela Anderson. When she finally got rid of Tommy Lee, she had the “Tommy” tattoo changed to read “Mommy.” A simple enough solution.
But what do you do when the tattoo says “Billy Bob”? Have it changed to “Silly Slob”? Angelina could just have the word “Sucks” added, I suppose. Her flesh would scream to the world, “Billy Bob Sucks!”
That doesn’t work when he does it for her name, does it? The result would sound like ad copy promoting “Tomb Raider II.”
According to Us magazine, Angelina says motherhood drove Billy Bob away. They adopted a Cambodian kid a few months ago, and Billy Bob promptly celebrated fatherhood by going on the road to promote his country album, “Private Radio” (I’m no expert on country music, but has that album gotten airplay anywhere? I’m guessing no, and that his live gigs probably draw the same crowd that shows up to see Keanu Reeves’ band open for Bruce Willis in concert.)
Now that Angelina’s single, she’s probably looking for another man in her life, and I have a suggestion. Based on her previous selection, I have chosen a guy who is also a little bit outside the mainstream and, similarly, looks like trouble from a mile away.
His name is James Traficant. He’s a nine-term US Congressman from northeastern Ohio — but not for long. This isn’t a term limits problem. It’s much more than that.
Traficant is on the verge of becoming only the second member to be expelled from Congress in the last hundred years. To paraphrase “The Odd Couple,” that request will come from his colleagues, the House Ethics Committee (which is, incidentally, a permanent entry in the Oxymoron Encyclopedia).
The Congressman has always been a quote machine. The press loved printing and poking fun at his bombastic remarks, and he willingly returned fire, saying “many of them are so dumb they could throw themselves at the ground and miss.”
Traficant is being made to walk the plank because he was convicted in April in federal court on ten counts of racketeering and other nastiness, and faces more than seven years in prison. He’s appealing the ruling, and refuses to resign from Congress. So they’re going to kick him out.
The other day, in front of the committee considering his expulsion, Traficant, acting as his own attorney, blasted away again: “Disregard all the opposing counsel has said. They’re delusionary. I think they had something funny for lunch. I think they should be handcuffed, chained to a fence, and flogged. And if they lie again, I’m going to go over there and kick them in the crotch.”
The man has a way with words, reminiscent of Lincoln at Gettysburg. You should have seen his original draft, which began, “I know you are, but what am I?”
After several full minutes of deliberation, the committee tore itself away from a roomful of cash-wielding lobbyists to find Traficant guilty of ethics violations, tax evasion, bribery, fraud, and bad manners.
BAD MANNERS??? They must have thrown that one in just for spite.
Why stop there? With a little more investigation, they might have discovered that he didn’t always rewind video rentals, tipped less than 15%, never flushed the toilet in the House bathroom, twice sang the National Anthem off-key, and once took forty-two cents from a convenience store’s “take-a-penny” cup.
Once you have those other raps against you, do you even care about manners? Not if you’re Traficant, who has always been a drag-from-the-room-kicking-and-screaming kind of guy.
The only remaining question is what he’s going to do about that tattoo on his arm with the word “Congress” surrounded by a big heart.