Harris: Joining us now on our guest line is comedian Jeff Cesario, who is out in Los Angeles where he works on the Larry Sanders Show, used to work on Dennis Miller Live…has a pretty big connection there at HBO, I think you’d have to say. And tomorrow night he has his own HBO comedy half-hour. It’ll be on at midnight tomorrow night. Good morning, Jeff.
Cesario: Hey man. I am SO glad that I got the Washington traffic, ’cause I’m actually driving there. This morning. And I’m going to be able to avoid the Beltway, and just completely scoot around 270.
Harris: Yeah. No problem coming in today, my friend.
Cesario: I am SO relieved. Because I’ve got the Bullet Car warming up, and if I would’ve gotten snagged somewhere out there…ugh.
Harris: Yeah. You better watch out for the Olympians when you do come to town. They were here yesterday, and we had them on the show, and they were over at the White House yesterday, and I think they’re all scattering out today to go to some amusement park somewhere, so be very careful.
Cesario: Yeah, you know I figured they’d be going to an amusement park. I mean, I think that whole Kerri Strug thing is a big fake.
Harris: What do you mean?
Cesario: I think she’s fine. You take a camera out to that amusement park, I bet she’s all over that place. You’re not going to see her limping or any of that crap. She’s fine.
Harris: Just faked it to become America’s sweetheart, huh?
Cesario: Now, was Michael Johnson with them?
Harris: No, he’s not here.
Cesario: That was an amazing…I mean, he wins the 400, then he wins the 200 in a world record time, and I love that complete expression of ecstacy he had when he crossed the finish line in the 200, sets a new world record. Right there, if I were his trainer, I would’ve come out of the stands with a quart of Jim Beam and a chocolate pie.
[riotous laughter ensues]
Cesario: Just start him immediately. He should’ve been on the medal ceremony awards stand with just a big chocolate pie. He should be about 210 already.
Harris: Don’t bother training anymore, you’ve set the unbreakable world record.
Cesario: Absolutely. Cigars, heroin, and chocolate pie. What does he care? It can’t even possibly damage his image at this point.
Harris: That’s right. You know, that’s the thing I don’t understand about a lot of these Olympians. You ask them “What are you gonna do now?” “Well, I have a meet next week.” “What do you mean you have a meet next week?!?! You were just in the OLYMPICS!!! Relax for a second!”
Cesario: Yeah, take it off. Although there was the one night of the Olympics that was…there was definitely…it was definitely the Gay Olympics that night. Wow. You know, I tuned in and it was Rhythmic Gymnastics, Men’s Floor Exercise Exhibition…
Cesario: …Synchronized Swimming…and then I believe there was a hairstyling thing. I’m not sure. But, oh my goodness. They gotta change that. Maybe it’s time to get one of those, like, the rollerskating on the halfpipe thing.
Harris: Uh huh.
Cesario: What do they call…? That’s in the X Games. Get one of those in there.
Harris: Well they had the skateboarders and the incline skaters in the big closing ceremonies, that three and a half hour festival of boredom.
Cesario: Oh yeah! With those poor kids that they had those kangaroo outfits strapped to? How would you like to volunteer for Olympic Ceremony duty? “OK, you’re going to be the 300 foot white spermatozoa man, and then YOU’RE gonna be a kangaroo.” No! I don’t wanna be a kangaroo!
Harris: Yeah, but in retrospect: kangaroo, spermatozoa man…I would go with kangaroo.
Cesario: Yeah, but which one do you remember? You remember the spermatozoa man.
Harris: That’s true.
Cesario: That’s huge.
Harris: Very true. Any thoughts on politics? Got the Republican Convention coming up next week. You been following the campaign?
Cesario: Boy, you know, that was one of the smoother transitions I’ve heard.
Harris: Well, thank you…I mean, how else am I going to go from Spermatozoa Man to Bob Dole?!?!
Cesario: Exactly. “He’s out of Olympic material!” Boom, just a hard left.
Harris: That’s it.
Cesario: Well, when do the Republicans start? They start this coming week in San Diego?
Harris: Right. Monday.
Cesario: Dole is…Dole is still taking money. He took money from, what was it, the tobacco people?
Harris: Yeah, tons of it.
Cesario: He doesn’t care anymore. He’ll just take money from anybody. I think the rap guys should get in on this, you know? Snoop Doggy Dogg should just drop Bob Dole about 500k. Dole would change his tune like that! “C’mon, this Snoop Doggy Dogg’s fine. Don’t nit-pick his lyrics, he’s a good kid!”
Cesario: Dole would actually take money from the Democrats. Just amazing. And Clinton, he’s just in bliss. Because he knows so long…I mean, how much worse could he step in it and still win this election?!?! It’s just, he’s got that look on his face…Bill Clinton is like the guy you pick to play right field in the softball game. He just doesn’t care. He knows he’s that bad, but he knows he has the lead on cheap beers! So we just keep electing him.
Cesario: He’s amazing, man.
Harris: Let me get some plugs in here for you, Jeff. As always, we never have enough time for you on the Harris In The Morning show.
Cesario: Yeah, because we talk every, what, four years?
Harris: I know.
Cesario: And you know, the time goes by…
Harris: Jeff, if you just would come to town every once in a while…
Cesario: I gotta work D.C. I gotta work that one club…is it still above a strip place?
Harris: No, that place, the Comedy Cafe, closed down.
Cesario: Oh it did?
Harris: Yeah. And it was really disappointing to me, because it was the week after I was named “Mr. Tassels” downstairs.
Cesario: Oh really? They had a special…wow.
Harris: Yeah. The Improv is here, though. You should come play there.
Cesario: You moved up from “Mr. G-String,” I believe.
Harris: Yes I did.
Cesario: From “Mr. Tassels.”
Harris: Yeah. Well Jeff is very busy. Used to work on the Dennis Miller show. You know, Miller is here in town working on a movie with Wesley Snipes.
Cesario: Oh wow!
Harris: It’s called “Murder at 1600.”
Cesario: [snickering] Uh oh.
Harris: That’s seriously what it’s called.
Cesario: That sounds like Dennis wrote the title. Instead of “Murder at the White House,” it would be “Yeah, Murder at 1600, Babe.”
Cesario: He’s something else, I tell you. I had a blast working for him, and now working for Garry Shandling over at “The Larry Sanders Show.”
Harris: Greatest show on television.
Cesario: And you know what it’s like? People always say “Do you get sick of writing jokes for other people?” Well, certainly not those two guys! It’s like being a great side-man in jazz. It’s like being Herbie Hancock and working for Miles Davis. And then when you get a shot to do your own album, you know? Herbie Hancock, I’m sure, when he got a chance to do a solo album, didn’t say “Well all right. Let me hire Jerry Murad and the Harmonicats.” No, he went out and he hired good people! So it’s a ton of fun to work for both of those guys.
Harris: That’s great. And when do we see the new Larry Sanders stuff?
Cesario: In early November it’ll go on air, and we start shooting next week.
Harris: Terrific. Good luck with it, and tomorrow night the HBO Comedy Half-Hour, Jeff Cesario, friday night at midnight. Always great to have you on. And come by every once in a while. Once a decade if you can make it.
Cesario: Thanks. Actually, I think I have a gig there in 2001.
Harris: Well, good! We’ll look forward to seeing you.
Cesario: And listen, I’m gonna call you and get the traffic.
Harris: Sounds good. You have my home number, call me there. I have it piped in. That’s Jeff Cesario live from Los Angeles. Back after this.
Copyright 1996, Paul Harris.
Transcript by Joel Begleiter.