Bio-tech Bulletin!! First, they cloned a sheep. Then, a monkey. Now, finally, they have gotten around to cloning a pig. Woo-hoo!

The scientists say they are working toward the day when pig parts — heart valves, livers, kidneys — can be transplanted into humans. Apparently, while you and I weren’t looking, we somehow became sow-compatible.

This little piggie went to market, this little piggie went to the operating room. No longer will you have to buy that bacon, bring it home, cook it up, and eat it. Soon, you’ll have it growing inside you!

I know, you’re as excited by this accomplishment as I am. But have you considered the ethical questions this scientific breakthrough raises? Think about this: if you’re a Muslim or an Orthodox Jew, and you’re not allowed to eat pork, are you allowed to have it implanted in your body? I’m no biblical scholar, but there’s a question that’d keep Solomon up a couple of nights.

You can’t stop progress, so I say let’s embrace and encourage it. Keep these scientists working 24/7 around those bunsen burners until they develop a ham sandwich that can make itself!

We’ve been a nation of hogs for a long time, and we’ve been very effective at spreading our piggishness around the world. Just last week, the Worldwatch Institute released a report that claims that there are now as many overweight people in the world, 1.1 billion, as there are underfed people. For every Calista Flockhart, there’s now one Camryn Manheim. Ironically, they made the announcement on Fat Tuesday.

This makes a confusing message for parents. As children ourselves, we were always told, “Finish everything on your plate, because somewhere in India, there’s a starving child who needs that food.” No, it never made any sense. Mom wasn’t going to send your old deli leftovers to the untouchables in New Delhi. But what are we supposed to tell our kids now? “Don’t finish everything on your plate, because somewhere in India, there’s a fat kid who doesn’t need that food.”

We’re not going to stop being pigs, either, because we’re Americans and we want it all! We want to eat a magic powder that helps us lose weight, but we don’t want to do a minute of exercise or change our diet. We want to use credit cards, but we don’t want to incur debt. We want to ogle Jennifer Lopez, but we don’t want to make Puffy Combs mad.

Sidebar: Jennifer has admitted that she kept her skimpy scarf dress in place at the Grammy Awards though the use of some strategically placed toupee tape. Which explains why later that night, she found William Shatner stuck to her nipple.

We want it all! We don’t care how high gas prices go, we’re not giving up our SUVs and we’re not going to slow down just to get better mileage. The right to drive fast in a big vehicle is in the Constitution, isn’t it?

That’s why this proposed Gas Out next month has no chance of success. It doesn’t matter how many e-mail pals you forward that message to — and please stop sending it to me, I’ve received it over a hundred times this week alone! — even if everyone who gets it doesn’t purchase gas for those three days, it won’t have any impact on the price. They’ll have to fill up either right before or right afterwards, instead.

The price of gasoline will only stop its upward spiral when the OPEC Sheiks have raised enough money for their big Harem-Aid benefit later this spring. Evidently, they’re running low on “I Dream Of Jeannie” outfits for the various Mrs. Sheiks.

There is one group of Americans who seem a bit peeved about the cost of fuel. There was a picture in the paper today of a convoy of 150 truckers who are driving from California to Washington, DC, where they’ll meet up with a couple thousand fellow truckers on Thursday to protest rising fuel prices.

This makes perfect sense. How better to show how upset they are about all the extra money they have to spend than to log a few thousand extra miles, using up hundreds of gallons of fuel along the way? That’s like protesting higher meat prices by staging a pork-chop eating contest!

Oops, that’s no longer a valid analogy. Now that we can clone pigs, we can have an unlimited supply of pork-chops. If only our intrepid scientists could develop an internal combustion engine that runs on hog meat.

Pork, the other white fuel!

Kids, be sure to clean your plate. Somewhere in Saudi Arabia, there’s a kid who needs that oil.