Five random thoughts for this Friday…

First: I went to lunch with a friend recently. When he ordered, the waitress replied, “Perfect.” Then I ordered something else, and she told me that was perfect, too. Nope. Not possible. “Perfect” means that something is as good as it can possibly be. If his order was perfect, then mine, by definition, had to be less than perfect. But under no circumstances is “perfect” a synonym for “got it,” which is what she should have said just before inputting our requests into the order-computer. On the other hand, I’d like to be there when she tells a customer that what they want to eat is imperfect.

Second: Why are books that sell well always promoted as a “New York Times bestseller”? Is that the only arbiter of success in the publishing world? Are there levels below the NYT? For instance, are books that don’t do quite that well ever promoted as a “Cleveland Plain-Dealer bestseller”? How depressed is an author who writes a “Thrifty Nickel bestseller”?

Third: I’m done with fist bumps after getting one yesterday from a guy who thought the idea was to smash his hand into mine with enough force to bruise a knuckle. Dude, it’s a greeting, not a strength competition. From now on, I’m retreating to good old-fashioned handshakes only. I’ll also accept the word “hey” accompanied by a head nod.

Fourth: No wonder we have so many disconnects in our politics. Half the country can’t tell the difference between “laurel” and “yanny” or agree on the color of a dress! How can you expect them to agree on more important things — like why, when we were young, someone taught us that “dilemma” was spelled “dilemna”?

Finally: I have a request for all the scientists who developed plant-based hamburgers that “bleed” like the ones made from cows. Now that you’ve pulled off that life-changing accomplishment, can you work on developing a better cure for hay fever than the ones we have now? This spring has been so brutal, with so much pollen in the air, that I can’t walk to the end of my driveway without my eyes getting puffy and my sinuses filling with muck. Yes, I do take Allegra D every morning, but it doesn’t do the trick any better than the other pharmaceutical alternatives. I’ve tried them all, but when the pollen count is as intense as it’s been this year, they’re no more effective than trying to stay dry by covering your head with your hands during a Missouri thunderstorm.