A new experiment shows the Earth’s core is cooling faster than previously thought. As I have long suspected, the reason is the core is full of broccoli, the fastest-cooling substance on our planet. No serving of broccoli has ever retained its heat longer than the time it takes to be placed on a plate and served. Unless you smother it in a cheese sauce, which would require an enormous drill.
The other day, a friend — who’s many years younger than I am — referred to movies that take place in the 1960s and 1970s (e.g. “Licorice Pizza”) as “period pieces.” I thanked him for making me feel even older.
Does anyone ever call the number on the back of a tractor-trailer to report that the driver is doing a good job? “Yeah, I really enjoyed being stuck behind him. Despite a lot of traffic, he maintained a good speed, only moved to the center lane to get around other trucks, and always peed directly into an empty Gatorade bottle.”
Whenever I receive a text from someone who uses way too many emojis in a single message, I feel like they’re using the Enigma device and I have to become Alan Turing to break the code.