Here are a dozen press releases I’m looking forward to in 2021…

Realizing not every story requires him to breathlessly announce “Breaking News!”, Wolf Blitzer begins his broadcast saying, “We have a couple of things that are mildly interesting today.”

The National Forest Service has designated April 9th as the day California will not have a wildfire this year.

Amy Coney Barrett proves she belongs on the high bench by refusing to offer opinions on any of the cases she’s hearing at the Supreme Court, claiming that would be prejudicial. announces it has discovered sixty-three house flies which are genetically related to the one that landed on Mike Pence’s head during the Vice Presidential debate.

The political pundit class becomes excited upon realizing we’re only three years away from pretending that the Iowa caucuses have anything to do with who gets elected president.

Somewhere in New Jersey, a book club whose members are all over the age of 70 conducts its first gathering in which everyone is able to log onto Zoom, turn on their cameras, and hear each other with no help from anyone’s granddaughter.

While everyone’s attention is elsewhere, the Jimmy John’s sandwich chain somehow becomes the new owner of TikTok.

Persephone, queen of the murder hornets, claims that her troops will try to do better at killing people this year as soon as they can find more face masks.

Former president Trump tweets about how unfair it is that he can’t hit the links for a period of nearly 48 hours because new shock absorbers are being installed on his golf cart.

In a desperate attempt to attract more subscribers, Netflix announces a new series in which Beth from “The Queen’s Gambit” will play a best-of-seven, winner-take-all match against Carole Baskin from “Tiger King.”

The Secretary-General of the United Nations reports that after nearly 17 hours of secret talks, there is finally a truce in the long war between Israel and Eritrea.

Jeff Bezos apologizes for a software glitch that causes every Whole Foods curbside order to be mistakenly filled with 41 bags of organic turnips.