The weather in St. Louis over the last week has been typically bizarre, with sunshine and seventies for several days giving way Friday night to tornadoes and downed tree limbs, then a cold air blast yesterday that began with some flurries. But the forecast looks like it’s tilting in a warmer direction, which may mean we have finally put winter behind us for this year.
For most people, that means it’s time to go for a walk through the neighborhood, open the windows in your own home, roll down the car windows and drive anywhere just to feel the breeze and begin the annual process of getting a tan on your left arm.
But I can’t do any of that, because I am a chronic hay fever sufferer, and the scourge of spring brings with it a pollen count already into eight digits. That means I have begun my yearly mutation into The Boy In The Bubble. I’m like a butterfly climbing into its chrysalis, not out. Vampires have a better chance of enjoying the outside during the day than I do.
I get a daily email from Pollen.com which tells me how bad it’s going to be. For some reason they do it on a scale of 1-12. Why twelve? I think they’re converting pollen into Canadian dollars. Regardless, it was over nine several times in the last week — and this is the start of the season! My eyes got itchy just typing that sentence.
Without resorting to no longer inhaling, how do I battle this spring scourge which makes my nostrils clog and my head become foggier than a ninth-grader trying to understand algebra?
That’s where the makers of Allegra-D come in. I pop those pills every day and will continue to do so until Memorial Day. At that point, I’ll get a three-month respite before the autumnal pollen enters our atmosphere, forcing me to pop those little pharmaceutical marvels again. Don’t ask me how everything green begins dying while still producing new pollen.
The problem is getting my hands on enough Allegra-D. You see, my wife is also a hay fever sufferer, so we go through fourteen pills a week. And Allegra-D only comes in two quantities — a box with ten pills and a box with fifteen pills. Clearly, we’re going to need a truckload to get through spring.
Unfortunately, state law mandates medicine which contains pseudoephedrine may only be sold in small quantities because that ingredient can be used to produce methamphetamine. And the last thing I want is Mike Ehrmantraut knocking at my door with a message from Gus Fring.
Moreover, to ensure we don’t buy even a small supply of Allegra-D from multiple pharmacies on the same day, we have to show our IDs with each purchase, which gets recorded in a database I’m sure no law enforcement officer ever accesses. But try telling that to the cashier at CVS who has to go unlock the glass-encased makeup display so someone can buy a single tube of lipstick.
The irony is that Allegra-D isn’t a cure. It lessens the impact of hay fever, but doesn’t erase it completely. So even while we’re taking the pills, we have to not go outside much. And yet the law says we must do exactly that at least once a week just to acquire the medication that allows us to keep breathing.
Happy Springtime — to those who are physically able to celebrate!