Memo to the people who make auto-flush toilets: can you adjust your product so it doesn’t flush while I’m still sitting there? I had this unpleasant experience at four different public venues in the last week. I don’t know what you need to reset to make the toilet wait until I’ve finished my business, but if I wanted to use a bidet, I’d move to France. And thanks for the added bonus of having the toilet not flush once I’ve stood up. That’s always a nice surprise for the next guy in the stall.

I’m guessing you’ve teamed up with the company that makes the toilet paper dispenser that holds onto the roll so tightly that when I pull at the paper, it tears immediately at the first perforation, allowing me only one square at a time. I also appreciate your third co-conspirator in public-bathroom annoyances, the ones who make the auto-faucet that won’t spout water no matter where I place my hands under the spigot-sensor, so I look like I’ve just failed my final exam in mime class.

Before you entered our unsanitary lives, in the days when we were forced to operate the equipment manually, how did we ever manage the entire bathroom experience by ourselves? Oh, that’s right, we had assistance from the men’s room attendant, a profession that should never have been necessary in the first place.

Has there ever been a worse job than being forced to stand in a public bathroom and hand out paper towels all day, hoping you’ll get a tip? You’d think the aromas alone would have been enough for the EPA to classify the facility as a hazmat site.

Some of these guys also ran a little flea market of related products, from cologne and cigarettes to gum and mints — there’s nothing I want more after emptying my bladder than a nice pack of Juicy Fruit that’s been sitting on the sink all day. The attendants have been replaced in the last decade by a coin-operated box on the wall that dispenses pain relievers and condoms (seriously, I saw one at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas and wondered how many members of the Mile High Club bought their supplies there before boarding).

It almost makes me nostalgic for the ballpark bathroom trough.